« 優しい歌 | Main | 泣いたっす »

March 28, 2007

すっきりした

悩んでたことが、あった。
すごく、幸せ反面。毎日毎日考えてることが。


彼はすべて受け止める側で、特にこうしろということはない。
私を幸せにしたい包容力いっぱいで、すべて受け止める一方。
それは今まで味わったことのないもので、どっぷり浸かってられる幸福感がある。
そして、今まで誰にも言えなかったことが言える。

それでも、私の悪い癖は変わらない。
甘えてるつもりで、甘えきれない。

これは彼にも言ったことがあるけれど、私は人によって向ける顔が違う。
人格が違う。
ほぼ素に戻れる場所は、娘の前だけだ。
でも、それすらお母さんだから本当の素でもないんだろう。
実際素ってなんだ?
あり得るのかすらわからない。
それは全くと言ってないと言われたことが、この人は私とは違うんだと思った。


だからこそ、求めるのだけれど。


まだここで言える段階ではない悩み。
それを解決しに行こうと思う。
背中を押してくれる人が居たから。

弟分。

今日深い話をして、どうやら似た者同士だということが判明。
最悪のことばかりを考えすぎて、二の足を踏むのだ。
最悪を想像してないと、その時耐えられないとか考える。
でもそれがそもそもの間違いなんだと。教えられた。
失敗した際の痛みを軽くしたいだけの防衛本能が過剰に働いているだけなのだと。
『成功する確率もあるのに、50:50でも、人はマイナスをイメージするけど
プラスもイメージしなきゃ割に合わない』って。
目から鱗!
なにこいつ?こんなに好い男だったっけ(笑)


心が軽くなった。

そう、たくさんの勇気と幸せを私はもらった。

ならば、今度は私が与える番。
手を広げて、受け止める用意を持って。
ぶつけに行こう。


とても怖い。
怖くて怖くて仕方がない。
でも、私にしかできないこと。
私がやらなければならないこと。


待っていて。
伝えに行くから。


それでダメでも。
泣いて帰ればいいだけ。


『姉貴ほど幸せもんは居ないんだ。
だったらこの世の限界まで幸せ手に入れろ』

だなんて。


いい、弟持ったなー...

|

« 優しい歌 | Main | 泣いたっす »

Comments

んだねぇ
失う怖さ先に考えたらなんもできねぇべ?

つか、人って状況にすぐ慣れちゃうのよ。
慣れ過ぎはダメよ?
甘えて良いけど、甘えに慣れちゃダメよ?
甘えてるって事を常に自分でワカッテル事、コレ重要よ?ワカル?

Posted by: こう | March 28, 2007 at 08:05 AM

ん。うん。
わかった。今回ほんとにほんとに痛いほどわかった。

こうが実は優しいのもわかった(笑

慣れた甘えは、ダメダメの元ね。
うん。
はい。

わかった。

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